


I thought

by JellybeanSweet



Category: GOT7
Genre: Crying, Hopeful Ending, I Made Myself Cry, It was 3am though, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Swearing, sad yugyeom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23481565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JellybeanSweet/pseuds/JellybeanSweet
Summary: Based on the following prompts.“I left some stuff here.”“My mom has been asking about you.”“I thought things were good, but how delusional was I?”
Relationships: Kim Yugyeom/Park Jinyoung, Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam & Kim Yugyeom
Comments: 2
Kudos: 61





	I thought

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this from like 11pm-3am. I don't know where it came from, or why I wrote it, but here it is. 
> 
> This was written in one night, so I apologize for any late-night mistakes I may have made, then proceeded to miss.

It was quiet when BamBam unlocked the door to the apartment. He pushed it open, flicking on the dim light in the little entryway before slipping off his shoes. He walked past the kitchen, heading for the hall that led to the bathroom and the only bedroom in the home. He pushed open the door slowly, a small trickle of sadness when he saw what was inside.

Yugyeom was slumped over his desk, eyes closed despite the lamp shining weakly in his face. He looked like he was asleep, and the most peaceful BamBam had seen him in weeks, but the bags under his eyes and the way his hair was messed up made the feeling of hope a fleeting one.

BamBam didn’t bother to turn the light one, instead walking in and shaking his best friend awake. His eyes cracked open and he blinked, looking up to connect gazes with the one thing still solid in his life.

“Hey,” BamBam whispered, “let's get you up and into the shower, okay?” He wasn’t expecting a response, and he didn’t get one.

BamBam got Yugyeom to stand and he pulled him into the bathroom. He turned on the water and the shower head, then left the room with instructions for Yugyeom to get undressed. He returned a few minutes later with some clothes and a clean towel, ushering a nude Yugyeom into the shower with little problem. They’d been friends for long enough that neither was uncomfortable with the other, but BamBam felt like he was unbothered for a reason other than familiarity. Something more along the lines of feeling numb.

“Wash up, I’m going to make you something to eat,” BamBam instructed again, flicking on the bathroom fan and leaving the boy alone to shower.

BamBam headed for the small kitchen, feeling his own heart sigh at how barren it was. Yugyeom had never been one to get pots and pans, or much silverware. Jinyoung had taken it all when he’d left, either out of spite or out of an inability to leave anything behind.

BamBam took out an old pot and filled it with water, setting it on the stove to boil. He filled a teapot and did the same, intent to get at least a drink into his best friend before he would ultimately be pushed away.

He mourned the loss of the rice cooker that once sat next to the wall; it had been a gift to Yugyeom from Jinyoung a couple of months into their relationship when the older had realized Yugyeom didn’t have much to cook with, and had apparently he had decided that it wasn’t a gift anymore. It had disappeared along with Jinyoung, along with a quarter of the clothes in the closet, along with the blanket the two shared on late nights, along with the extra house slippers that were rarely used, along with the pair of reading glasses Jinyoung used when he couldn’t find his own, and along with the emotions of a vulnerable boy who didn’t know he would be broken until he woke up cold and alone.

BamBam sifted through the barren cupboards, eventually finding some rice and washing it, then putting it aside until the water began boiling. He opened the fridge and pulled out some cooked beef, most likely leftover from takeout Yugyeom had bought in the past few days. He cracked it open and deemed it good enough. He threw it into a pan with some extra sauce laying around and pulled out some eggs to add to the meal. He cracked them and set them aside to add later.

He heard the teapot starting to whistle and he turned off the stove and grabbed the pot. He set it on the counter, grabbing two mugs and some tea bags he knew had to have been sitting there for a long time. He dropped a tea bag into each mug and filled them with boiling water. He felt himself relax just a bit at the calming scent of Mango Black and set them aside to cool for a moment. The water in the pot was beginning to boil, so he dumped in some rice and covered it up to cook.

In the background, he heard the water shut off in the bathroom.

BamBam pushed around the beef, glad the sauce had mixed and begun to boil off a little in the pan. He mixed it a bit more, waiting for the bathroom door to open.

It took a few minutes, but eventually the door opened and soft footsteps padded down the hall. BamBam looked up to see the younger in a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. His hair was a bit wet, his expression too blank, and his skin was still an unhealthy pale-gray, but he looked better than he had when BamBam had found him.

Wordlessly, BamBam handed Yugyeom the mug of tea and watched as he brought it to his lips. His eyes closed for a moment, not drinking, just feeling the warmth of the mug. He finally took a small sip, eyes fluttering open to stare at the murky liquid. Not once did he let his eyes raise to meet BamBam’s. The older boy led him to sit down at the kitchen table, gentle hands easing him down with care.

He returned to the stove, pulling the meat off and dumping it into a different bowl before throwing the eggs on. While the eggs cooked, he pulled the rice off and grabbed out two smaller bowls and some chopsticks. He dumped in some rice, then the eggs, then the meat. He covered everything with lids to keep it warm and made his way over to the table.

BamBam set the bowl down in front of Yugyeom, then put the set of chopsticks directly into his hand. He sat down across from him, holding the chopsticks in his own hand, and waited.

“Go on, take a bite,” BamBam prompted, watching Yugyeom closely.

Tentatively, Yugyeom took a bite, and so did BamBam. Yugyeom took one more, and so did the other.

“Don’t do that,” Yugyeom whispered, the first thing he had said all day, watching BamBam chew slowly. He set the chopsticks down, and so did BamBam.

“Whenever you take a bite, so will I,” BamBam stated, looking at Yugyeom, though still unable to catch his eye.

“Bam… eat it if you want to eat it.”

“I will. Once you do.”

It went on like that, Yugyeom taking a few bites and stopping, only to watch BamBam stop once he’d matched the number of bites. He knew that, if BamBam wasn’t doing this, he’d probably only eat a quarter of what was in his bowl. But with the thought of the only person who’d talked to him lately going hungry just because Yugyeom would rather waste away than work through the pain in his chest, Yugyeom resigned himself to eat more than he wanted to.

Eventually Yugyeom got through a little more than half his bowl, and BamBam was glad that he had at least taken more than three bites. The older boy washed the bowls and put away the leftovers, ushering Yugyeom into the small living room.

Yugyeom sat on one end of the couch, BamBam on the other, silence encasing them entirely.

“My mom has been asking about you,” BamBam murmured quietly, sipping at his tea. “She’s worried too, you know. With how often we hang out, or, well, hung out, you were always around when she FaceTimed, but you’ve been absent lately.”

“I guess I just haven’t been feeling up to hanging out,” Yugyeom replied. He was staring at his lap.

“Jaebum’s asking about you, too. Said Jinyoung’s been quiet since he stopped over, but that he hasn’t said much since he left to go home.”

Yugyeom sighed.

“I get that.”

“Don’t be an idiot. Jinyoung-”

“BamBam, stop it, you don’t even know what happened.”

“Tell me, so I can go kick his ass.”

Yugyeom sighed, rubbing his temples.

“Maybe you should go ask him,” he mumbled, shaking his head.

“Tell me. Whatever happened, whatever he did or whatever you did, I am always going to be with you.”

“You’d be the only one.”

“Don’t- don’t do that to yourself. Yugyeom-ah, just because they knew Jinyoung first does not mean they will side with him.”

“Then why are you going to side with me, always?”

BamBam looked away at that.

“Please,” he insisted, “tell me what happened.”

Yugyeom closed his eyes and set down the mug, putting his head in his hands and taking a long, deep breath.

“BamBam, I don’t know where to begin. Recently, well, before he left, he was so distant. He kept saying he’d been working overtime, or that he’d been out with friends. To be honest, that night was probably the only time I’ve seen him in the last month. I feel like he just got disinterested in me, wanted something different than what I have. I wanted to talk to him when I saw him, it was the first time in a few weeks and I needed to take the chance to ask him what was going on. He hadn’t been picking up calls or answering texts, so I wanted to catch him and keep him there so we could actually speak. I guess, maybe if I hadn’t, he wouldn’t have left me.”

“So he just left? Without a word?”

Yugyeom scoffed.

“He left cursing my name as he gathered his shit and walked out that door. Said I’d been nagging too much, too clingy. Wanted more than he wanted, but if that was true, why didn’t he say a word to me before it became too much? He said he can’t stand the way I stack my shoes or put away vegetables, or how I brush my teeth. He said I’d been caring less about my appearance. Said I didn’t put enough effort in, that I wasn’t dedicated. Said I wasn’t trying to make it work anymore.”

“What an asshole,” BamBam snapped. “Why would he say that?”

Yugyeom shrugged, shoulders shaking a bit as he sucked in a shaky breath and took another gulp of tea.

“I think… maybe he got scared… Before we started this relationship, he told me that the only time he’d ever been with a guy was for a month his freshman year of college, and that he’d wanted something serious and all the other guy wanted was a fling. He told me ‘it might take me some time to get comfortable’ but that I ‘shouldn’t worry, because I’m committed to trying this out’. I don’t want to think badly of him, I love him, god, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to stop loving him, but why couldn’t he have spoken to me about any of this before running away?”

He sucked in a huge breath, fighting tears to get one more sentence out.

“I thought things were good between us. How delusional must I have been to have believed that?”

Yugyeom was tearing up, head in his hands. He felt weak, empty of feeling and void of emotion. He let BamBam pull him into a hug.

“I don’t know why he didn’t talk to you, Yugyeom-ah,” he murmured, his voice a little sad, “but he left the best thing he’s ever had behind. He left you, and that’s his biggest mistake.”

Yugyeom nodded into BamBam’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while. Yugyeom’s soft sobs were muffled by the solid presence of his best friend, arguably his only friend left.

They were pulled apart by BamBam’s phone ringing.

“Sorry,” he apologized, going to turn it off, but Yugyeom shook his head.

“See who it is. Answer it if you need to.”

BamBam pulled out his phone and sighed when he saw Mark’s contact flashing across the screen. Yugyeom once again told him to answer it.

“Hello, hyung?” BamBam asked quietly, wiping away some of his own tears and keeping a tight hold on Yugyeom’s hand, which he had grabbed as he answered the phone.

Yugyeom couldn’t hear Mark, but he could hear everything on BamBam’s side of the conversation.

“Ahh, yeah I am… He did? Why… Did he tell him what happened? Or why? Yes? Tell me… He wouldn’t do that, you know that hyung… Don’t lie to me! He would never! You’re insane if you think that!” BamBam practically slammed his phone onto the floor, startling Yugyeom.

“What-?”

“Did you, even once, think about leaving Jinyoung before he left you?”

Yugyeom’s mouth floundered.

“Of course not! I thought everything was fine before he started acting weird!”

“Did you ask him about moving in?”

At that, Yugyeom pulled away from BamBam, expression darkening.

“Once, when I realized how much of my closet was his clothes, and that his commute to work was closer from my apartment than his. He shot it down almost immediately, and I shut up about it. Didn’t mention it since then.”

“Did you ever accuse him of cheating? Lying to you about anything?”

“I.. I thought he might have been cheating on me for a week before he broke up with me, but I never said anything. I was scared he was going out with someone else, but I don’t think I ever believed myself when I thought about it.”

“And the lying?”

“Yeah, I did accuse him of lying. He said it was work, but he came home reeking of alcohol and flames a couple of times. I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me, that if he was staying late and working like he said, why did he act like he’d downed a bottle of soju? Jinyoung doesn’t like getting drunk, he’s a lightweight, and he’s told me as much. I wondered why he’d drink if he didn’t like it, but I didn’t bring that part of it up.”

“Yugyeom, do you promise me there is nothing you are hiding from me?”

“Maybe he just doesn’t like me anymore,” the boy babbled, fully off topic, heading towards a dangerous place, “and maybe he never did. Do you think he lied to me, hyung? Do you think he ever loved me? I don’t know why he would. Maybe he was right to leave, I’m a failure of a human being.”

BamBam tackled Yugyeom off the couch, hitting his chest angrily.

“Don’t you ever say that! If I know anything about the relationship between you and Jinyoung, I can say for a fact that he looked at you like you were all that mattered to him.”

“I scared him away! I’m too clingy, too much! I’m too loud and too sloppy and too much!” Yugyeom fought back, trying to push the boy off, but somehow he was immovable.

“You are worth everything anyone could ever have to offer. Nobody will ever be able to tell me that you are undeserving of love, not even yourself.”

Yugyeom went limp on the floor, tears starting to leak from his eyes once more.

“What did Mark-hyung say on the phone?” Yugyeom asked, weak sobs leaving his mouth. He covered his eyes by throwing an arm over his face. His jaw was clenched tightly and he wanted nothing more than for the world to swallow him whole. His chest ached.

“You don’t need to know what that idiot believes,” BamBam grumbled.

“Tell me,” Yugyeom pleaded, pulling at BamBam’s sleeves like a child. “Please, what do they think?”

BamBam sighed and prepared himself for an onslaught of tears to come from his best friend.

“He said that Jinyoung told Jaebum a bit of what happened, and that Jaebum had typed it out for everyone except for us in a group chat, and Mark was calling to tell me.”

“What did he say? What did he say?” Yugyeom cried, sucking in a stuttered breath and letting out another loud sob. He coughed, the crying becoming too much.

BamBam knew that Yugyeom wasn’t asking about what Mark had said, but instead he was asking what Jinyoung had said.

“That you were coming in too strong, accusing him of lying, and that… that he… shit Yugyeom-ah, don’t make me tell you.”

“Tell me!” he sobbed, coughs racking his body, shaking him to the core. “Please, just tell me, I can’t stand it. Even if it’s bad, just tell me what he said.”

BamBam crumpled onto Yugyeom’s chest, tears starting to fall down his own face.

“I don’t want to tell you. You don’t need to know.”

Yugyeom screamed in anger, shaking BamBam with fervor. His grip was tight, so tight.

“Please,” he whimpered.

“He said that he doesn’t know if he ever loved you. He said he was scared, and he ran, but he doesn’t know if he’s going to come back, don’t know if he wants to. He’s a coward.”

“He told me he loved me,” Yugyeom whispered quietly, and he coughed like something was stuck in his chest, in his lungs. “Said he didn’t want this to end.”

Yugyeom remembered it so vividly, how he had been so scared to admit his feelings, so utterly terrified. They had been lying in bed together, early in a Saturday morning and Yugyeom remembers being so warm when curled up to Jinyoung. He remembers how he had whispered it out, heart beating like it was trying to power the sun; ‘I love you, Nyoungie’. He had regretted saying it out loud in the seconds that followed, then Jinyoung had reached out and caressed his cheek with a comforting hand and had whispered ‘I love you, too, Gyeom-ah’ back to him. He remembered the feeling of lips against his own, all over him, so soft and familiar, and god, so warm. He desperately searched for that feeling, only to come up empty.

“I guess… I guess I was right to accuse him of lying.”

“Bastard,” BamBam whispered. He wrapped his arms around Yugyeom and they stayed there for what felt like hours upon hours.

“Hyung,” Yugyeom asked softly. “Hyung, what do I do now?”

BamBam sat up, pulling Yugyeom into a sitting position with him. He wiped away Yugyeom’s tears, tugging his limp body into the tightest embrace he could manage.

“I think you need to take a deep breath, and then maybe we can watch a movie together and get some food from your favorite restaurant. We can watch every revenge story we can find so we don’t end up enacting our own, okay?”

Yugyeom managed to crack a smile and laugh at BamBam’s joke. He nodded, sniffling tiredly. He took a couple long, deep breaths and nodded like he was trying to convince himself he was okay.

BamBam got the both standing, then they both got onto the couch.

“Why don’t you look up ‘best movies to watch after getting your heart stomped on by an asshole’?” BamBam offered, handing Yugyeom his phone that he’d left on the table some time ago.

“I’ll do that.”

They were quiet for some time, each throwing out occasional movies, before BamBam finally found one bound to make them a little bit happier.

“You know, Mark, before he achieved asshole status just now, was telling me about an American movie called Legally Blonde, where this girl’s boyfriend dumps her cause she’s not smart, and she gets back at him by going to law school.”

Yugyeom thought about it for a moment, then nodded slowly.

“As long as you find Korean subtitles, I think that movie might make me feel at least a little bit better.”

BamBam went scrolling around their streaming apps before he finally found it with correct subtitles. They settled in to watch it once they each got another mug of tea. Both men enjoyed it, liking the main character and how she adjusted to life. Once it finished up, Yugyeom had grown tired and BamBam was inclined to let him rest.

“Go home, hyung, please. I’ll be okay, if I think I wound be I’ll call you. I think I just need some time to process what's going on, okay?”

“I trust you, Yugyeom, with everything in me. Please do not hesitate to call me about anything, okay? Even if you start crying again, call me and I’ll tell you how much I absolutely adore everything about you.”

Yugyeom laughed at that, hugging BamBam tightly one more time before he went to the front door. He slipped on his shoes and kissed Yugyeom’s cheek before he left, wishing him to feel better soon.

“I love you, Yugyeom-ah, don’t forget that I’ll always be here for you.”

“I love you, too, BamBam. Thank you for getting me out of bed.”

“Of course. I hope you start to feel better soon.”

Yugyeom nodded, waving goodbye and closing the door behind BamBam. He locked it, making sure to add the deadbolt, once he heard BamBam’s footsteps disappear.

A sudden wave of emotion crashed over him but he took a deep breath, in and out, and shuffled to his room. He slid into bed, making sure the lights were all shut and the blinds were drawn closed. He dug himself under the covers, splayed in the middle of the bed he often shared with Jinyoung. He closed his own eyes, once again taking big, deep breaths to ease the stress and anxiety threatening to overtake him.

Eventually he managed to relax enough to fall asleep.

——

Yugyeom woke up to a loud banging on the apartment door. He shifted around in his bed, wishing for it to go away, but it didn’t. He pushed himself up on wobbly legs, noticing that it was just pushing past 1 in the morning.

Yugyeom could feel that his face and eyes must be puffy and dry, a sad side effect of the crying he’d been doing lately. He made his way to the front door, too tired to be bothered to check for who it was. If someone was banging on his door at the crack of dawn and it wasn’t one of his friends, they’d been seeing a fist soon.

Yugyeom swung the door, yawning wide and blinking, waiting for his eyes to focus. When they did, he regretted getting out of bed at all. Jinyoung.

Yugyeom moved to slam the door shut with all his strength, pushing hard. Jinyoung’s foot stepped in between the door and the door jam, but the pressure Yugyeom was using to try and close it was easily becoming one of the more painful things Jinyoung had experienced.

“Wait, let me talk to you,” Jinyoung pleaded, hand wrapping around the door and pushing back. In a hurry, Yugyeom stepped back and let the older man tumble onto his floor with a glare.

“What do you want to have to do with a boy who comes on too strong and lies? Someone who isn’t good enough to spend your time with, huh?”

Jinyoung looked pained and he pushed himself to his feet. Yugyeom resisted the urge to kick him back down to the floor.

“I… I left something here.”

“Right,” Yugyeom muttered. He moved out of the way and shut his apartment door, waiting for Jinyoung to go get whatever he was here for. When he didn’t move, Yugyeom felt anger building up in his chest.

“Well? Are you going to get it?” he scoffed, his whole body aching to just go back to sleep.

“Gyeom-ah,” he started, but the glare Yugyeom sent him made him pause. “I mean, Yugyeom, can we please talk?”

“You should have talked to me before you ditched me and made your friends stop talking to me.”

Jinyoung huffed, starting to get upset himself.

“I made a mistake.”

“You made many mistakes,” Yugyeom corrected.

“You’re right. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I wanted to see if I could fix some of them.”

“You’ve got a weird way of going about it,” Yugyeom muttered, “since apparently you’re only here because you forgot something when you ran out on me.”

“I got scared.”

“No, you ran because you’re a coward. You didn’t say a word to me, not a single peep to tell me that something was wrong, and then you just left me. What kind of person does that, Jinyoung?”

Jinyoung swallowed, but he savored his name dropping from soft lips.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized, “I made the worst mistake I’ve ever made when I left you.”

“I think the mistake was telling our friends that you lied when you said you loved me,” Yugyeom replied.

Jinyoung stumbled forward, clinging to Yugyeom like a kid.

“I was scared! I was terrified! I-I didn’t want this to be ruined, I wanted too much and I am a coward and a baby and I got scared!”

Jinyoung pulled back. He wiped his face, trying to rid himself of the tears he didn’t realize had begun. He sniffled, then took a deep breath.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized again. He bent at the waist, bowing down to Yugyeom and far as his flexibility would allow him.

“You told me you loved me.”

Jinyoung shot up, still unable to help the tears leaking down his face.

“I do!” he cried, and Yugyeom stopped.

“What?” the younger croaked.

“I do! God, I love you so much! I was a fool to ever think I could feel anything less about you. I… I love you more than I can handle and it terrified me to think about what would happen if, one day, you decided you didn’t love me anymore, and you left.”

“So you left first?”

Jinyoung swallowed harshly, then nodded just so, once. Terrified.

“I lied to Jaebum-hyung because I wanted him to stop telling me what an idiot I was, but he was right! I’ve never, not once, believed that you could be selfish or unkind, especially to someone you love! You accused me of lying, and you were right about it. You could never be too much for me, because I will never be enough to measure up to you. You are the love of my life and I want you to be able to see that, even though I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“Why… why didn’t you talk to me? You know I would have listened to you, listened to your thoughts and your problems. I would have done everything I could to help you.”

Jinyoung fell to his knees, too weak to stand. He looked up at Yugyeom from where he sat, everything stuck in his chest.

“I was scared,” he repeated, tears leaking down his usually-composed face. “I was irrational. I thought you would realize everything I was scared of would be true, that you’d leave without a care in the world. I thought you’d hate me for being insecure. I’ve never loved anyone so much, Yugyeom. Never. I didn’t know what to do, so I got scared and I ran. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Yugyeom kneeled down on the floor, across from  
Jinyoung, tears running down his own face now.

“I came here because I said I left something when I went to Jaebum’s that night, and I wasn’t lying about that, Yugyeom.”

Yugyeom took in a shuddering breath, looking up to meet Jinyoung’s eyes.

“I realized that I left you here.”

Yugyeom opened his arms and let Jinyoung fall into them. They were both crying, clinging onto each other out of fear because they knew they would have to let go.

“Please, please give me another chance to make this right. I am begging you to let me try again.”

Jinyoung felt something move against his head and he pulled away from Yugyeom just enough to see him nodding. It was like all the tension in his body left and he slumped against the younger, weak and vulnerable.

“One more chance, hyung,” Yugyeom whispered. “Because I love you, and I don’t think that will ever change. Please… please don’t leave…”

Jinyoung choked on a sob and finally, finally pulled away. He reached his hands up to cup Yugyeom’s face and he couldn’t help the laugh that bubbles from his lips and the painful smile that morphed his features as he cried even harder.

“I love you,” Jinyoung sobbed, touching their foreheads together like it was the only thing keeping him breathing. “I love you, Yugyeom-ah.”

They were silent for a moment, just staring at each other, taking it in.

“Can I… would you let me kiss you?” Jinyoung asked quietly, still holding Yugyeom’s face like it was the only thing that mattered.

“Please,” Yugyeom whispered, chin moving closer.

Jinyoung closed the gap, lips pressing so soft against Yugyeom’s, coaxing them open without a word. Yugyeom’s arms came up, one wrapping around Jinyoung to rest on his back, drawing him closer. The other arm lifted to Jinyoung’s neck then up through his hair, pressing him into Yugyeom more. Jinyoung’s fingers curled against Yugyeom’s skin, closer, closer, ever closer.

“I love you,” Jinyoung praised, arms moving to wrap around Yugyeom and draw him into a hug, tucking his face into the neck of the man he wanted to love for eternity.

Yugyeom breathed it in, savoring it.

“I love you, fuck, I love you so much, I can’t begin to express it.”


End file.
